Top Ten Things I Do Not Miss About Sydney

1. Traffic
Tomorrow morning, at about 7.45am on a Wednesday, not far from my old house in Strathfield, out on Church Rd, Meadowbank, inner western Sydney, there are seven, eight lanes of cars, sitting bumper to bumper and they stretch from one end of the road to the other - about two kilometres. They sit, and then they hop forward a metre, then they sit, and then they hop. So it goes. It can take 15 minutes to travel those two kilometres. Most of those people in those cars - usually one person per car - do that every week day.

It's quite a sight the first few times you do it, get in amongst them on Church Road. You watch the bumper in front, and then you look up into the distance at the hundreds of cars and hope like hell there isn't an accident slowing the traffic down even more than usual.

I liked driving in Sydney, but only when the car was moving. There are 10s of thousands of people in cars constantly around the city 24/7 and the roads simply can't handle all of them, all the time.

2. Creepy Crawlies
I am a girl, and a bit of a sook at that. I don't like bugs much. I hate moths. Lots of things crawl and creep in the bushes in the Sydney suburbs. Lizards are okay, I saw a big fat blue tongue lizard in the frontyard once. Mosquitos, I hate 'em. And cockroaches, don't start me.

3. The Service
Maybe it's because NZ is small, maybe it's just a size thing, but the service in Sydney is bad. Really bad. From the people who serve coffees in cafes, to the people who fix your phone ... they just don't give a shit. Unless they think you are an American tourist, with a natural inclination to tip.

Take Telstra, trying to get the phone on. Telstra started out by telling me our house didn't exist. Oddly they said the same thing the previous time I tried to get a phone put on, in our apartment in the city. That time the guy said to me “our plans show that building as only having six floors.” I said, ”I'm standing on the 12th floor. Who do you want to believe?” Like I've said many times, they make New Zealand's Telecom look like customer service company of the year.

One exception: Jim the Lube Mobile guy. Came and fixed my car a couple of times. Charges huge money, but did a great job and was very good to talk to about cars and stuff.

4. Beaches
The whole beach culture thing is lost on me. I'd say to my Sydney mates ”but what do you do there?” And I never had a satisfactory answer. My aunt and uncle used to take me to swim in the sea pools at Curl Curl on the North Shore ... now that's nice. But I'm one of those freaks who just doesn't want to sit on beach, with sand getting in every crevice, and stare out at the ocean for an afternoon. Or lie snoozing in the sun. My pale skin tells the story of a woman who doesn't sunbake. I do tan, but only by accident and always below the knee/elbow.

5. The Coffee
Australia produces some very good quality coffee beans. There are a few companies who do a good job of roasting these beans. There are a handful of people who buy these beans and use them in their cafes. There are maybe two people who take these ground beans, and make them into a great cappuccino. I don't know who these guys are.

The cafe coffee in Sydney is pretty bloody average. Hotels and restaurants are worse. It is very, very hard to find a place that makes good cappuccino, day in, day out. Occasionally you'll get a good cap somewhere, and then you'll go back to the place, and they'll be back making caps with a bit of frothy scum floating like a frisbee on the top of a pond of pale weak white coffee.

The second worst thing about being made redundant last year was I'd spent a fair amount of time schooling up the barista in the coffee shop at the bottom of the building on how to make a coffee for me the way I like it. He was such a nice guy, and really appreciated it when someone was interested in coffee. He made my double shot long macchiato every day and it was heaven. I miss that guy. Actually that was the worst thing about being made redundant.

6. The Great Petrol Swindle
I don't understand how petrol can cost A$1.12 a litre on a Wednesday morning, and buy the afternoon, it costs A$1.27. Yes, I know that is still cheap compared to NZ, but it always will be, and that's not the point I'm making here.

The price fluctuates so much in Sydney, it can't be based on 'normal' supply and demand. It must be some kind of price-fixing set up and all the suckers out there in driving-land pay the price - whatever price.

They have this thing in Sydney where the petrol is always cheaper on a Tuesday ... supposedly the day it gets delivered. How can they possibly be delivering all the petrol all the stations in Sydney need, one day a week on the same day? That would be distribution madness, wouldn't it? But that's the line they push.

I used to drive a fair distance - more than two hours across the city - a couple of times a week. I watched the signs at all the stations, some routinely charged more than others because they were on main roads into the city. It is also generally cheaper at all stations in the morning than the afternoon, because people don't like to stop for gas on their way to work.

When petrol is cheaper, there are more cars on the roads. When it dropped back under $1.40 a litre, people got back in their cars. And when it gets warm no one wants to sit in a stinky train when they could be sitting in their own car's aircon.

7. The Rules
There are rules for everything in Aussie. And if they happen to find they need a new one, well hell .. someone tell the government! Federal, state, local, whatever, any government will do. Get that new rule going quick smart.

New rules suggested in the media in the week or so before we left included: making it illegal to use a phone in the car, fining people who manage to avoid road tolls and stopping players changing back to rugby league from union .. or was it the other way around?

And my favourite .. making a law forcing country radio stations to run local news. Now I know that'll be a disaster, cos I've written news for regional radio. It's hard enough when you want to write it, let alone being forced to do it.

8. Sheep Jokes and Accent Jokes
Although I have been teased, now that I'm back in NZ, about my 'Australian' accent. Which is most unfair.

9. Losing Time
Sydney steals your time. It takes too long to get simple things done. If you have a doctor's appointment at 11am, and she's running late and you are still waiting to see her at 11.30, and you have another appointment somewhere on the North Shore at 2pm ... then you have to leave the doctor's. You can't wait because otherwise you won't have time to get to your next appointment - in two hours time! In Wellington you can take clothes to the drycleaners, see the doctor, get a key cut and pick up your car from the garage all in the same day. And go to work!

10. The Heat
Yes the weather in Wellington is not flash. Although it's been fantastic since we got here in January. People keep telling me how foul last winter was, and I know they are not exaggerating. But. Sydney gets real hot. Too hot. And if you don't have aircon, it's real bad sometimes. The hottest day we had while we were there was New Year's Day, 2006. One of my girlfriends spent the day lying on the floor of her bathroom, on the coolish tiles. Dumb Kiwis like me and my husband got on a train and went to the movies, with about 120,000 other Strathfield folk without aircon at home. Walking around outside you could feel the heat hanging around your legs like you were walking with a hot towel wrapped around them. Not healthy. Unless you like really hot towels.