Sux

It can't be coincidence.

I'm not a believer in conspiracies generally, but this is getting beyond a joke. Four years I've lived in Australia, a struggling Kiwi just trying to get by and pay the bills. Some enormous bills too, because we live in Sydney with the rest of the First world's wealthier refugees.

In four years I've been issued with four phone numbers in this country, the most recent only four weeks back. ALL four numbers have had the number "six" in them. Or should I say "sux"?

It's a plot to make us Kiwis identifiable. They know the 'sux' is the last thing to go from your Newzild accent. The 'sux' hangs on long after the 'fush' has become 'feesh' and 'chups' are ... fries.

I can say "Stray-ya" like everyone else in Stray-ya. I can pronounce the name of the nation's cricket team captain using only half its consonants, with no spaces "Rrieypon'ing".

But while I still say 'sux', they can spot me.

It started way back in 1990 when we lived here for a year and our first phone number had a "sux, sux, fow-ve" in it. I remember phoning in a pizza delivery order and getting to the part right at the end where you give your number in case they need to call you back, and after I'd give the number the guy would ALWAYS say "Aw yura Key-we arna ya?" Everytime. And we ate quite a lot of pizza.

Oh yes. And here we are, 15 years later, back in Sydney, not ordering pizza anymore cos I'm allergic these days ... but still getting the "yura Key-we arn ya?" after EVERY recitation of my phone number. Although I admit these days we seem not to have to give out phone numbers so much. Maybe email has spared us. Maybe it's because most folks have clever little phones that remember the numbers without being told. I love that.

Oddly though I believe my accent is much stronger now, even after being here three years, than it was after only a year of living here way back in 1990. Is it possible that as we age we fall more heavily into our vocal speech patterns, and it doesn't matter what you hear around you, it's not going to change?

Or, and I like this theory much more, maybe it is that the Kiwi infiltration into Australia for decades and decades is having the effect of watering down the Australian accent? I can't pick the difference anymore between my accent and an Australian's, because theirs is milder? This isn't my theory, I've heard it said in linguistics circles. So it must be true. Although I think those circles are in NZ.

Anyway, we Kiwis can't take all the credit for the elimination or at least tempering of the ghastly Australian drawl. There are plenty of other people living here speaking all manner of weird languages. It all helps.

In a shop window today I saw a sign saying "We speak .. Italian, Mandarin" and then it had some other funny foreign language listed written in the correct alphabet, and I have no idea what language it was. It didn't look like Arabic, or anything European, or Asian. Next time I go past the shop I will go in and ask. There's no point living here if you don't learn from it.

This morning on the train a Chinese woman asked if the train stopped at a particular station. She was obviously visiting the area because she was trying to find the right page in the timetable while keeping her son under control, speaking to him in Chinese and me in English, virtually at the same time, as mothers do. I know Chinese, or Mandarin, are impossibly difficult languages to learn and I know English is just about as bad. I sat there on the train thinking how smart that woman must be that she can not only keep Chinese and English in her head but can try and actually read and understand a Sydney CityRail timetable as well.

I've always thought I should be able to speak at least one other language. I've felt stupidly monolingual when in the company of businesspeople from overseas. I was heartened to read an NZ news item recently quoting some language expert saying all New Zealanders are bi-lingual, because we absorb so much Maori just from the environment around us. It's certainly true that I know plenty more Maori than your average white Aussie knows of any Aboriginal language. I don't know any either. You just don't hear it. Certainly not in Sydney. Or on TV. Or the radio.

I remember causing a strange little incident at work one day here in Sydney (yes back when I had a job) by making the off-hand remark in a chat with a few workmates that I could sing the song "Run Rabbit Run" in Maori, if anyone wanted to hear it. The song was being used (the English version of course) in a commercial at the time and we'd been talking about the commercial, it was for Melbourne. I stopped the conversation dead. It was weird. I think I made them feel bad.

Oma Rapeti, oma rapeti, oma oma oma.

The last word on language: I saw a sign tacked to a power pole today that said "For Sale. Everything Must Gone".