Bad Days

A few years back I spent a bit of time in hospital, I was sick for awhile. Had to go through a bit of yucky stuff ... not really life-threatening, just scary. You keep your perspective because there is always someone in hospital worse off than you.

I know from back then, that when times are tough, there are good days and there are bad days. Oh yes it is a cliche, but I didn't really know what it meant until I got sick. There were days when I just wasn't firing. And there's nothing you can do about it when they happen. That's a 'bad day', plain and simple.

I had one yesterday. It went from average at about 10am, to bad by 12.30. I even shed a few tears at about 2pm. I didn't want to write here yesterday cos I knew I would be shitty and horrible.

A couple of things lead up to it. Number one I went out for a drink with my former workmates the night before. They were nice. Too nice. I don't want to hear how upset they are. The cynical part of me thinks they are not just upset for me, that I was made redundant, they are upset for themselves.

Let's be honest here, the first thing you think when someone is made redundant at your work is "shit what if it happens to me?" not "oh my goodness, how dreadful for 'x'. That comes second. Especially if the workplace is known to be 100% dysfunctional anyway.

And then I feel guilty for thinking that way about them.. They do care. I know that. And then I feel sorry for myself - they still have jobs. What a mess!

So there was them being nice on Thursday night, and then a recruitment consultant was nice to me yesterday morning. Not only did this company email me after I'd submitted my CV online to them, but the consultant talked to me when I called up and was really helpful and positive. I was totally floored. Just over 99% of those people really are no fun to deal with. This woman was the recruitment industry equivalent of finding out someone has handed in your lost wallet to the police. And it still has money in it.

Another thing - my lawyer hasn't called me about taking action about my old company, I've called her but she's not returned my calls. And to top it all off nicely, my husband and I had a fight about the size of the crowd at the parade in the city yesterday. How dumb is that???!!

Suddenly I found myself feeling so angry with absolutely everything I couldn't even answer the phone.

It's that 'seven stages of grief' thing again isn't it? Trouble is I seem to have gone through all seven, now I'm going back through them again!

Maybe you keep going through the seven stages over and over until you don't feel them anymore. Yeah.

Time to get some perspective from somewhere. Maybe I should pretend I'm back in hospital. That could be weird. I'll walk around the flat wearing only a sheet with a gap all the way up the back. I'll pulp up all my food and eat it off a large plastic tray. I'll wake myself up by shining a torch in my face at 6am.

Yeah that'll work fine.